Pictures of You

When I was pretty young, maybe 13, I was interested in The Cure because my brother was interested in them. I think he had a big poster from one of the 80s classics – maybe for Boys Don't Cry?

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Anyway, I went to the mall and bought a four-CD set of what turned out to be a collect of the singles from Disintegration. Still have them somewhere in the basement – I think – and "Pictures of You" felt very defining of how I viewed the band. They expressed heartbreak and despair in a way that resonated deeply with me, but Robert Smith's voice made me uncomfortable. To me, he is crying when he sings, and it runs straight up against feelings of shame and toxic masculinity that pervade so much of my psyche.

Of course I cry like that, over things like that, and of course I despair so much that I have to wail in misery – but I'm not going to let someone see me do it!

So I had... mixed... feelings about it.

I have learned to love myself a bit more in the past few years, and I have learned to be more comfortable with authentic expressions of emotion. But this song… I still have difficulty listening to it by myself – let alone with someone else.

So. I did something with it. I hope you enjoy it, and it helps you find comfort in knowing you are not alone, even in the deepest despair.