From Within

I hope that writing about this will help someone dealing with similar issues.

I have generalized anxiety disorder, but I often struggle with depression. The pattern in recent years for depressive episodes is that they are triggered by a series of high-stress situations that lead me to feeling hopeless, often because of guilt about how I have handled them (I have problems with reacting aggressively when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety). The anxiety, then, slides into hopelessness. I feel completely drained of positive energy. I feel no joy in things that typically excite or please me. I see no reason to be optimistic. Failure is an inevitability.

I know this is not true, but I see no way to escape this state. I have knowledge and evidence to the contrary, but I simply cannot believe it. My mind won’t let me find any solace in it.

I push myself because others rely on me, but what I want to do is call in sick to work and hide forever. I want to cry and cry in hopes that this black shit that’s spread throught me drains through my tears, but doing that in the middle of a coworking studio seems… uncouth.

I don’t have good coping skills for when I feel like this, and that cripples me. I feel stuck here with no clue how to escape.

I have suicideal ideation. Flashes of attempts invading my thoughts. When you feel worthless and hopeless, it’s difficult not to imagine this as your only release. I know it is bullshit, but my mind is stuck in this state.

Just 24 hours ago I was excited and happy. Why can’t I feel that way again?

I guess I wrote this for myself too. Maybe I’ll see a light and follow it out of here. I hope so.